How To Party Like A Hipster: Photography

It's the weekend. You just got out of your Visual Arts/Graphic Design/Art/Photography class, and you're soo stressed despite puffing on your Camel/Parliament cigarettes, you just want to fucking crowd into a dimly lit room and unrhythmically thrash about to the newest(read: bands following the same formulaic plan to make "synth" sounds and try to pass it off as dance music) tunes. 

So, after a pack of smokes later, and some shitty malt liquor (dude, I totally bought some forties. Olde english. When I see a black person I look the other way though. Negroes, in MY town?) splashed into your malnourished stomach, you put on your coral reef-red 511's and slip into some piss-stained, cigarette smelling cardigan that you spent 65 dollars on at Urban and you head out.

SIDENOTE: It cost 65 dollars. It's all you could afford at the time. So you better fucking believe that I'm going to get a shit ton of miles out of it. I wear this shit to sleep! It helps stoke the creative juices!

Anyways, after you make your way through the sea of smoke and anorexic bodies packed into retina-raping clothes, you get into the middle of the "dance floor" and hear music that is 5 years old, mixed into whatever flavor of the week band is tickling the collective fancy of the abundance of hipsters, mixed in with ironic (READ: SHIT) music that you used to listen to in 7th grade. (DENY DENY DENY DENY).

People, ugly people, everywhere, kissing and dancing and throbbing; the sweat smell of sickening sweat invading your nostrils. As you calmly pull out a cigarette (DRAW SLOW= MAXIMUM COOL POINTS) you put it too your lips and begin to fulfill your destiny.

You gotta take pictures! You need to document this night! But no, not JUST take pictures.. make this a fucking show! This is your expose; your photo shoot! Pull out your fucking journalism-quality camera (NIKONS PENTAX UBER DUPER COOL CAMERAS FOR THE COOLEST CATS) and snap away. A quick primer for you if your like, IDK a 'tard and dont know what types of pictures to take.

1. Gotta take pictures of the rest of the hideous people doing shit dude, like dancing. Make sure you get alot of pictures of kids with mouths agape, (hands in the air, eyes closed works good). You need to make your clients, er facebook friends FEEL this party. CAPTURE THE FUCKING ESSENCE.

2. Pictures of random 'tuff dudes and girls with mean, wicked 'tudes. Preferably if they are huddled in a corner, casually sipping there beers. Make sure they KNOW they are being photographed but urge them to maintain there rough, nonconformist demeanor. The bigger the scowl, the more "likes" your going to get. Avant-garde lighting (READ SHITTY LIGHTBULBS THAT ARENT VERY ECO-FRIENDLY) add to the mystique of the random guy in the corner who wears the same hat that an 80 year old gay australian pimp does and has a shittickling mustache while scowling.

3. ROMANCE ROMANCE ROMANCE pictures. It helps if the bodies are contorted enough to look like a like totallly hot ad for American Apparel. Shit, just send the picture in if you think it's hot enough. The picture will make it on the cover of the next catalogue for sure and if it doesn't it's just because AA is so mainstream now and besides you can just add the picture to your portfolio and explain to everyone how it captured the energy and essence of that night, that magical night of smelly body odor, shitty facial hair, shittier music, and tons of booze.

4. couples pictures in which either/or is posing ironically, like basically a real life pose that echoes one of those HILAARIOUS graphic t-shirts that say "Im with stupid" or somthn real clever liek that lolol! One part of the couple has to have a funny, HILLLLRIOUS look on his face, and the other one has to be either smiling, or posin2cool. 

5. a group smoke sesh photo! show phillip morris usa you CAN be the company photographer. cram as many shitty haircuts, slinky hats, peacoats, tight jeans, v-necks, carbingers and cigarettes into one photo. rinse,wash,repeat. 

Basically, this should come naturally. Being a hipster is about feeling, feeling the emotions of nonconformist mainstream culture and embrace ideas of individuality. IT DOESNT MATTER IF SOMEONE ELSE IS WEARING THE SAME SHIRT FROM THE SAME CLOTHING LINE... IT'S A DIFFERENT COLOR IT DOESN'T COUNT, FUCK!

It's gotta come natural! You can't teach it, but you can have a few hints to help you along your way. Enjoy

but not too much. Smiles are for tools.

Look confused more often.