No, this is not a still from an upcoming horror film, or a preview of a live action David the Gnome film. Sadly, this person actually exists. And has more friends then me on Facebook.
I'm tired of college. I need money. What's the easiest way?
Sell blood/semen/urine/all three?
Nah, that takes it's toil on the body.
Robbing people for their valuables and selling it to cash4gold.com? Nope, I don't want to live a life on the lam.
So there goes the other option of joining a motorcycle gang and running gangs.
Wait, wait a minute, why the shit didn't I think of THE easiest way to make money? It's so simple.
How To Start A Band; Get A Record Contract; Tour the US.
My band is totally unique. Groundbreaking. It really is, and I'll tell you why,
We have a screamer, who has these guttural roars with death-metal lows and black metal highs. His delivery is so br00tal that it makes babies' ears bleed.
But, we also have a singer who sounds so good he's on loan from the choir of heavenly angels in Heaven... and stuff. He's so brooding and tatted up, but dude, his voice makes nipples instantly turn erect. His vocal cover of "Brendas' Got A Baby" has over 50 thousand hits on youtube!
The backing section is alright. Our Guitarists can get pretty low, and whip their guitars around. They are so adept at pinch harmonics and palm-muted riffs. They are WIZARDS motherfucker, wizards!
Bassist, well yeah, he's just kinda there. But he has his earlobes stretched out to 1 inch, so yeah.
The drummer can drum, and plus he's awesome at taking his shirt off mid-song.
Our keyboardist/synth guy just kind of stands on stage and jumps around, but no seriously dude, he's playing stuff, it's just really low, and stuff. It takes a subtle appreciation.
You think these guys are good at music, you should see them around a hair straightener.
"Well, Marcos, how do you plan on taking this awesome collective musicians and make them a band? Who is tit-tastic enough to sign you?"
Easy.
RISE RECORDS!
They sign
Our slip-ons are fucking legit, and cash and pro and and and... colorful.
We can swing our straightened hair around good enough to make your fucking girlfriend cry and be jealous and want to silence our boner all at the same time.
"But Marcos, that's all fine and dandy but what about the music?"
Uhm, hello?! We have the plan for making an AWESOME ALBUM.
Steps for Victory
1. Really "weird" album cover, with neon colored font and stuff... or the band name is written indecipherable ala Black and Death metal logos.
... except our music has us wearing like day-glo colored clothes and we have 2 people who are constantly mistaken for females. We're still brootal though, I swear.
2. Album has to be named something EPIC, preferably with at least three words in the title. (Also crucial for band name, I'll explain later)...
5. song titles must be EXTREMELY LONG, or quotes from earlier 90s' movies. The less sense your song title makes, and the less it ties into the actual song, the BETTER...
2. look like the bastard child of an 80's cokehead who was afforded the opportunity to design his own clothes. Bright neon, with fucking sparkles and glitter and foil and shit.
3. gotta have either band name, album cover, or lyrics somewhere on the shirt, such as "OH GOD, OH GOD, WHY ARE MY EYES BLEEDING" or "MY HEART, IS TWO, MY LOYALTY IS TO ONE!"
"But Marcos, that's all fine and dandy but what about the music?"
Uhm, hello?! We have the plan for making an AWESOME ALBUM.
Steps for Victory
1. Really "weird" album cover, with neon colored font and stuff... or the band name is written indecipherable ala Black and Death metal logos.
... except our music has us wearing like day-glo colored clothes and we have 2 people who are constantly mistaken for females. We're still brootal though, I swear.
2. Album has to be named something EPIC, preferably with at least three words in the title. (Also crucial for band name, I'll explain later)...
Examples: Downtown Battle Mountain, She Watched The Sky, Arrivals and Departures, Count Your Blessings etc..
3. Our music is "core", but it's too brutal and expansive and "unique" to beconsidered music cornered into one genre.
So, we have our OWN explanation. We're "shark-hunting dance party in a crashed submarine full of zombie prostitutes who wear corpse paint-core"
4. Scream intro- music- screaming verses with palm muted "chugga chuggas"- soaring singing chorus- back to some screaming- a singing part again- BRUTAL BREAKDOWN/or BRUTAL BREAKDOWN WITH SOME SYNTH AND KEYS- end with screaming and singing combination as the song ends with singing.
Boner farm! Our synth player will contribute his .5 seconds of work during the epic breakdown, which is by the way awesome enough to give you goosebumps on your dick!
3. Our music is "core", but it's too brutal and expansive and "unique" to be
So, we have our OWN explanation. We're "shark-hunting dance party in a crashed submarine full of zombie prostitutes who wear corpse paint-core"
4. Scream intro- music- screaming verses with palm muted "chugga chuggas"- soaring singing chorus- back to some screaming- a singing part again- BRUTAL BREAKDOWN/or BRUTAL BREAKDOWN WITH SOME SYNTH AND KEYS- end with screaming and singing combination as the song ends with singing.
Boner farm! Our synth player will contribute his .5 seconds of work during the epic breakdown, which is by the way awesome enough to give you goosebumps on your dick!
You can dance OR punch someone in the testiclebag... WE'RE TOO BRUTAL.
5. song titles must be EXTREMELY LONG, or quotes from earlier 90s' movies. The less sense your song title makes, and the less it ties into the actual song, the BETTER...
All the flannel wearing, ridiculous haircut having xscenechicksx will xMurderlovecorex the xshitx out of you!
"BUT WITH A BAND SO AWESOME, WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY NAME YOURSELF?"
The crucial thing is to either name yourself after another bands song title, "I Set My Friends on Fire", "Scary Kids Scaring Kids" etc, or make sure your band name has ...
AT LEAST 3 WORDS IN THE NAME.
We Came As Romans, Dance Gavin Dance, A Skylit Drive, Shit Stained Balls etc.
You gotta sound intelligent, so if you ever go into a bookstore and see some old looking book bro, you should probably either name yourself after it (Of Mice and Men) or flip to some random chapter and name yourself after that.
The more intelligent you sound in your band name, the more money you get. Seriously. Also names with "Of" in the title work too.
But yeah guys, I know we're going to travel the country in a shitty van/RV, but we will make our money on merch sales which:
1. have "cool" imagery like a wolf, or viking, or zombie or lesbian bikers clad in leather
"BUT WITH A BAND SO AWESOME, WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY NAME YOURSELF?"
The crucial thing is to either name yourself after another bands song title, "I Set My Friends on Fire", "Scary Kids Scaring Kids" etc, or make sure your band name has ...
AT LEAST 3 WORDS IN THE NAME.
We Came As Romans, Dance Gavin Dance, A Skylit Drive, Shit Stained Balls etc.
You gotta sound intelligent, so if you ever go into a bookstore and see some old looking book bro, you should probably either name yourself after it (Of Mice and Men) or flip to some random chapter and name yourself after that.
The more intelligent you sound in your band name, the more money you get. Seriously. Also names with "Of" in the title work too.
But yeah guys, I know we're going to travel the country in a shitty van/RV, but we will make our money on merch sales which:
1. have "cool" imagery like a wolf, or viking, or zombie or lesbian bikers clad in leather
2. look like the bastard child of an 80's cokehead who was afforded the opportunity to design his own clothes. Bright neon, with fucking sparkles and glitter and foil and shit.
3. gotta have either band name, album cover, or lyrics somewhere on the shirt, such as "OH GOD, OH GOD, WHY ARE MY EYES BLEEDING" or "MY HEART, IS TWO, MY LOYALTY IS TO ONE!"
...you get the drift!
Sorry guys, but I gotta go write some albums. I got money to make!
Sorry guys, but I gotta go write some albums. I got money to make!
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