How To Party Like A Hipster: Photography

It's the weekend. You just got out of your Visual Arts/Graphic Design/Art/Photography class, and you're soo stressed despite puffing on your Camel/Parliament cigarettes, you just want to fucking crowd into a dimly lit room and unrhythmically thrash about to the newest(read: bands following the same formulaic plan to make "synth" sounds and try to pass it off as dance music) tunes. 

So, after a pack of smokes later, and some shitty malt liquor (dude, I totally bought some forties. Olde english. When I see a black person I look the other way though. Negroes, in MY town?) splashed into your malnourished stomach, you put on your coral reef-red 511's and slip into some piss-stained, cigarette smelling cardigan that you spent 65 dollars on at Urban and you head out.

SIDENOTE: It cost 65 dollars. It's all you could afford at the time. So you better fucking believe that I'm going to get a shit ton of miles out of it. I wear this shit to sleep! It helps stoke the creative juices!

Anyways, after you make your way through the sea of smoke and anorexic bodies packed into retina-raping clothes, you get into the middle of the "dance floor" and hear music that is 5 years old, mixed into whatever flavor of the week band is tickling the collective fancy of the abundance of hipsters, mixed in with ironic (READ: SHIT) music that you used to listen to in 7th grade. (DENY DENY DENY DENY).

People, ugly people, everywhere, kissing and dancing and throbbing; the sweat smell of sickening sweat invading your nostrils. As you calmly pull out a cigarette (DRAW SLOW= MAXIMUM COOL POINTS) you put it too your lips and begin to fulfill your destiny.

You gotta take pictures! You need to document this night! But no, not JUST take pictures.. make this a fucking show! This is your expose; your photo shoot! Pull out your fucking journalism-quality camera (NIKONS PENTAX UBER DUPER COOL CAMERAS FOR THE COOLEST CATS) and snap away. A quick primer for you if your like, IDK a 'tard and dont know what types of pictures to take.

1. Gotta take pictures of the rest of the hideous people doing shit dude, like dancing. Make sure you get alot of pictures of kids with mouths agape, (hands in the air, eyes closed works good). You need to make your clients, er facebook friends FEEL this party. CAPTURE THE FUCKING ESSENCE.

2. Pictures of random 'tuff dudes and girls with mean, wicked 'tudes. Preferably if they are huddled in a corner, casually sipping there beers. Make sure they KNOW they are being photographed but urge them to maintain there rough, nonconformist demeanor. The bigger the scowl, the more "likes" your going to get. Avant-garde lighting (READ SHITTY LIGHTBULBS THAT ARENT VERY ECO-FRIENDLY) add to the mystique of the random guy in the corner who wears the same hat that an 80 year old gay australian pimp does and has a shittickling mustache while scowling.

3. ROMANCE ROMANCE ROMANCE pictures. It helps if the bodies are contorted enough to look like a like totallly hot ad for American Apparel. Shit, just send the picture in if you think it's hot enough. The picture will make it on the cover of the next catalogue for sure and if it doesn't it's just because AA is so mainstream now and besides you can just add the picture to your portfolio and explain to everyone how it captured the energy and essence of that night, that magical night of smelly body odor, shitty facial hair, shittier music, and tons of booze.

4. couples pictures in which either/or is posing ironically, like basically a real life pose that echoes one of those HILAARIOUS graphic t-shirts that say "Im with stupid" or somthn real clever liek that lolol! One part of the couple has to have a funny, HILLLLRIOUS look on his face, and the other one has to be either smiling, or posin2cool. 

5. a group smoke sesh photo! show phillip morris usa you CAN be the company photographer. cram as many shitty haircuts, slinky hats, peacoats, tight jeans, v-necks, carbingers and cigarettes into one photo. rinse,wash,repeat. 

Basically, this should come naturally. Being a hipster is about feeling, feeling the emotions of nonconformist mainstream culture and embrace ideas of individuality. IT DOESNT MATTER IF SOMEONE ELSE IS WEARING THE SAME SHIRT FROM THE SAME CLOTHING LINE... IT'S A DIFFERENT COLOR IT DOESN'T COUNT, FUCK!

It's gotta come natural! You can't teach it, but you can have a few hints to help you along your way. Enjoy

but not too much. Smiles are for tools.

Look confused more often.

Lady Gaga: A Unifying (and terrorfying) Symbol of Hipster Unity!

Lady Gag-me is fucking going bald.

I think about this every day I watch Beyonce and her serenade me with their groundbreaking smash hit "Videophone".

When Gaga and Beyonce dance side by side, it's ridiculous. Beyonce's left thigh is wider and more nourished then Gagas' entire balding, drag queen body.

But enough about them singing to me, I'd like to analyze the overabundance of hipsters who are going Gaga for Gaga! (See what I did there?!? And who said my English degree didn't pay off?)

What is it about this insane fucking wackjob that makes hipsters love her so much? Oh wait, I know what it is:

She dresses like she drank a fucking gallon of vodka and bleach on the rocks, stumbled into a storage closet, turned off all the lights and then got dressed in the dark. Seriously, I think she MAY have worn a fucking lampshade at one time or another. Gaga is the only one who could wear a fucking suit made of used condoms and coffee filters and get away with it because "her style is so unique".

Unique in the way that she dresses like she has clothes schizophrenia. It's like she puts on a shirt, realizes it isn't made of fucking electrical tape, so thus remedies the situation by wrapping tape around her thighs, before she realizes she should wear toasters for shoes.

And her stage presence? It's like a bunch of retards decided to set themselves on fire and then dance. It's uncomfortable to watch and eventually you just want to either kill yourself because of the pain your retinas were just subjected too, or vomit uncontrollably.

And that my friends is why hipsters love her so much; because she like all of them tries way too hard.

Her music is mediocre at best; substance-less dance music full of such moving, literary lyrics like "Oh you can't see my poker face". No shit Gag-me, I highly doubt you play poker, unless of course by poker you mean sticking your finger into an electrical socket while soaking wet.

Thus, to compensate for the lack of her musical prowess she feels like she should dress like the love child of Wesley Willis and a glow in the dark cheetah.


And again, that is why hipsters love her. Since a lot of them are devoid of having their own style and thus borrow mindlessly from other hipsters (who all seem to subscribe to the notion of the more you look like a grandma, the more awesome you are) and other pools of fashion, it's no surprise that they embrace Gag-me as a cultural hero; a champion for their cause of attempting to be understood and accepted for their uniqueness in this mainstream world!

It's a fine line between being weird and eccentric and being a douchenozzle who does things for the sake of attention (because otherwise they suck and would just drift into oblivion.) Remember Marilyn Manson? Yeah, Gag-me is the current incarnation of him; acting and dressing weird to make up for the abysmal shit they create that they call music. I love Salvador Dali; that man was the definition of weird.

Gag-me is the opposite. She just sucks. I dread her red-carpet appearances because every news outlet feels the need to cover what Gag-me wore; a stunning Vera Wang dress ran through a wood-chipper tied together by photos of Taiwanese school children!

Everything about her is the embodiment of 90% of hipster culture.

Sucky, trying too hard, and being a mindless clown of what's considered "cool".

It's a terrifying new world for hipsters.