How To Party Like A Scenekid: Photography

IT LIVES! IT LIVES! (towriteloveonherarms, lol!!)

TAKE ALL THE PHOTOS YOU CAN IN THE BATHROOM b4 U GO OUT!

ADD DUCK FACE, LAYERS AND LAYERS OF CRAPPY HAIR. HIGHLIGHT YOUR PIERCING, LET THEM FLOW.

REP YR BAND MERCH.

UPLOAD THEM TO THE SOCIAL NETWORKING FLAVOR OF THE MONTH b4 U GO OUT: LIVEJOURNAL, TUMBLR, MYSPACE, WHATEVER THE FUCK YOUR DOING.

DON'T TAKE PICTURES AT A PARTY, THAT SHIT IS FOR 14 YEAR OLD GIRLS.

(note: if photo'd at @ party, try to look as mean and uninterested in possible.)

How To Party Like A Hipster: Photography

It's the weekend. You just got out of your Visual Arts/Graphic Design/Art/Photography class, and you're soo stressed despite puffing on your Camel/Parliament cigarettes, you just want to fucking crowd into a dimly lit room and unrhythmically thrash about to the newest(read: bands following the same formulaic plan to make "synth" sounds and try to pass it off as dance music) tunes. 

So, after a pack of smokes later, and some shitty malt liquor (dude, I totally bought some forties. Olde english. When I see a black person I look the other way though. Negroes, in MY town?) splashed into your malnourished stomach, you put on your coral reef-red 511's and slip into some piss-stained, cigarette smelling cardigan that you spent 65 dollars on at Urban and you head out.

SIDENOTE: It cost 65 dollars. It's all you could afford at the time. So you better fucking believe that I'm going to get a shit ton of miles out of it. I wear this shit to sleep! It helps stoke the creative juices!

Anyways, after you make your way through the sea of smoke and anorexic bodies packed into retina-raping clothes, you get into the middle of the "dance floor" and hear music that is 5 years old, mixed into whatever flavor of the week band is tickling the collective fancy of the abundance of hipsters, mixed in with ironic (READ: SHIT) music that you used to listen to in 7th grade. (DENY DENY DENY DENY).

People, ugly people, everywhere, kissing and dancing and throbbing; the sweat smell of sickening sweat invading your nostrils. As you calmly pull out a cigarette (DRAW SLOW= MAXIMUM COOL POINTS) you put it too your lips and begin to fulfill your destiny.

You gotta take pictures! You need to document this night! But no, not JUST take pictures.. make this a fucking show! This is your expose; your photo shoot! Pull out your fucking journalism-quality camera (NIKONS PENTAX UBER DUPER COOL CAMERAS FOR THE COOLEST CATS) and snap away. A quick primer for you if your like, IDK a 'tard and dont know what types of pictures to take.

1. Gotta take pictures of the rest of the hideous people doing shit dude, like dancing. Make sure you get alot of pictures of kids with mouths agape, (hands in the air, eyes closed works good). You need to make your clients, er facebook friends FEEL this party. CAPTURE THE FUCKING ESSENCE.

2. Pictures of random 'tuff dudes and girls with mean, wicked 'tudes. Preferably if they are huddled in a corner, casually sipping there beers. Make sure they KNOW they are being photographed but urge them to maintain there rough, nonconformist demeanor. The bigger the scowl, the more "likes" your going to get. Avant-garde lighting (READ SHITTY LIGHTBULBS THAT ARENT VERY ECO-FRIENDLY) add to the mystique of the random guy in the corner who wears the same hat that an 80 year old gay australian pimp does and has a shittickling mustache while scowling.

3. ROMANCE ROMANCE ROMANCE pictures. It helps if the bodies are contorted enough to look like a like totallly hot ad for American Apparel. Shit, just send the picture in if you think it's hot enough. The picture will make it on the cover of the next catalogue for sure and if it doesn't it's just because AA is so mainstream now and besides you can just add the picture to your portfolio and explain to everyone how it captured the energy and essence of that night, that magical night of smelly body odor, shitty facial hair, shittier music, and tons of booze.

4. couples pictures in which either/or is posing ironically, like basically a real life pose that echoes one of those HILAARIOUS graphic t-shirts that say "Im with stupid" or somthn real clever liek that lolol! One part of the couple has to have a funny, HILLLLRIOUS look on his face, and the other one has to be either smiling, or posin2cool. 

5. a group smoke sesh photo! show phillip morris usa you CAN be the company photographer. cram as many shitty haircuts, slinky hats, peacoats, tight jeans, v-necks, carbingers and cigarettes into one photo. rinse,wash,repeat. 

Basically, this should come naturally. Being a hipster is about feeling, feeling the emotions of nonconformist mainstream culture and embrace ideas of individuality. IT DOESNT MATTER IF SOMEONE ELSE IS WEARING THE SAME SHIRT FROM THE SAME CLOTHING LINE... IT'S A DIFFERENT COLOR IT DOESN'T COUNT, FUCK!

It's gotta come natural! You can't teach it, but you can have a few hints to help you along your way. Enjoy

but not too much. Smiles are for tools.

Look confused more often.

A Brief Introduction On How To Succeed: Scene Version.

No, this is not a still from an upcoming horror film, or a preview of a live action David the Gnome film. Sadly, this person actually exists. And has more friends then me on Facebook.



I'm tired of college. I need money. What's the easiest way?

Sell blood/semen/urine/all three?

Nah, that takes it's toil on the body.

Robbing people for their valuables and selling it to cash4gold.com? Nope, I don't want to live a life on the lam.

So there goes the other option of joining a motorcycle gang and running gangs.

Wait, wait a minute, why the shit didn't I think of THE easiest way to make money? It's so simple.

How To Start A Band; Get A Record Contract; Tour the US.

My band is totally unique. Groundbreaking. It really is, and I'll tell you why,

We have a screamer, who has these guttural roars with death-metal lows and black metal highs. His delivery is so br00tal that it makes babies' ears bleed.

But, we also have a singer who sounds so good he's on loan from the choir of heavenly angels in Heaven... and stuff. He's so brooding and tatted up, but dude, his voice makes nipples instantly turn erect. His vocal cover of "Brendas' Got A Baby" has over 50 thousand hits on youtube!

The backing section is alright. Our Guitarists can get pretty low, and whip their guitars around. They are so adept at pinch harmonics and palm-muted riffs. They are WIZARDS motherfucker, wizards!

Bassist, well yeah, he's just kinda there. But he has his earlobes stretched out to 1 inch, so yeah.

The drummer can drum, and plus he's awesome at taking his shirt off mid-song.

Our keyboardist/synth guy just kind of stands on stage and jumps around, but no seriously dude, he's playing stuff, it's just really low, and stuff. It takes a subtle appreciation.

You think these guys are good at music, you should see them around a hair straightener.

"Well, Marcos, how do you plan on taking this awesome collective musicians and make them a band? Who is tit-tastic enough to sign you?"

Easy.

RISE RECORDS!

They sign anybody everybody good post-hardcore bands. We wear pants that are tight as fuck they muffle our boners and put our femoral artery in constant danger.

Our slip-ons are fucking legit, and cash and pro and and and... colorful. 

We can swing our straightened hair around good enough to make your fucking girlfriend cry and be jealous and want to silence our boner all at the same time.

"But Marcos, that's all fine and dandy but what about the music?"

Uhm, hello?! We have the plan for making an AWESOME ALBUM.

Steps for Victory

1. Really "weird" album cover, with neon colored font and stuff... or the band name is written indecipherable ala Black and Death metal logos.

... except our music has us wearing like day-glo colored clothes and we have 2 people who are constantly mistaken for females.  We're still brootal though, I swear.

2. Album has to be named something EPIC, preferably with at least three words in the title. (Also crucial for band name, I'll explain later)... 

Examples: Downtown Battle Mountain, She Watched The Sky, Arrivals and Departures, Count Your Blessings etc..

3. Our music is "core", but it's too brutal and expansive and "unique" to be considered music  cornered into one genre.

So, we have our OWN explanation. We're "shark-hunting dance party in a crashed submarine full of zombie prostitutes who wear corpse paint-core"


4. Scream intro- music- screaming verses with palm muted "chugga chuggas"- soaring singing chorus- back to some screaming- a singing part again- BRUTAL BREAKDOWN/or BRUTAL BREAKDOWN WITH SOME SYNTH AND KEYS- end with screaming and singing combination as the song ends with singing.

Boner farm! Our synth player will contribute his .5 seconds of work during the epic breakdown, which is by the way awesome enough to give you goosebumps on your dick!

You can dance OR punch someone in the testiclebag... WE'RE TOO BRUTAL.

5. song titles must be EXTREMELY LONG, or quotes from earlier 90s' movies. The less sense your song title makes, and the less it ties into the actual song, the BETTER... 

All the flannel wearing, ridiculous haircut having xscenechicksx will xMurderlovecorex the xshitx out of you!

"BUT WITH A BAND SO AWESOME, WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY NAME YOURSELF?"

The crucial thing is to either name yourself after another bands song title, "I Set My Friends on Fire", "Scary Kids Scaring Kids" etc, or make sure your band name has ...

AT LEAST 3 WORDS IN THE NAME.

We Came As Romans, Dance Gavin Dance, A Skylit Drive, Shit Stained Balls etc.

You gotta sound intelligent, so if you ever go into a bookstore and see some old looking book bro, you should probably either name yourself after it (Of Mice and Men) or flip to some random chapter and name yourself after that. 

The more intelligent you sound in your band name, the more money you get. Seriously. Also names with "Of" in the title work too.

But yeah guys, I know we're going to travel the country in a shitty van/RV, but we will make our money on merch sales which:

1. have "cool" imagery like a wolf, or viking, or zombie or lesbian bikers clad in leather

2. look like the bastard child of an 80's cokehead who was afforded the opportunity to design his own clothes. Bright neon, with fucking sparkles and glitter and foil and shit.

3. gotta have either band name, album cover, or lyrics somewhere on the shirt, such as "OH GOD, OH GOD, WHY ARE MY EYES BLEEDING" or "MY HEART, IS TWO, MY LOYALTY IS TO ONE!"

...you get the drift!

Sorry guys, but I gotta go write some albums. I got money to make!

Lady Gaga: A Unifying (and terrorfying) Symbol of Hipster Unity!

Lady Gag-me is fucking going bald.

I think about this every day I watch Beyonce and her serenade me with their groundbreaking smash hit "Videophone".

When Gaga and Beyonce dance side by side, it's ridiculous. Beyonce's left thigh is wider and more nourished then Gagas' entire balding, drag queen body.

But enough about them singing to me, I'd like to analyze the overabundance of hipsters who are going Gaga for Gaga! (See what I did there?!? And who said my English degree didn't pay off?)

What is it about this insane fucking wackjob that makes hipsters love her so much? Oh wait, I know what it is:

She dresses like she drank a fucking gallon of vodka and bleach on the rocks, stumbled into a storage closet, turned off all the lights and then got dressed in the dark. Seriously, I think she MAY have worn a fucking lampshade at one time or another. Gaga is the only one who could wear a fucking suit made of used condoms and coffee filters and get away with it because "her style is so unique".

Unique in the way that she dresses like she has clothes schizophrenia. It's like she puts on a shirt, realizes it isn't made of fucking electrical tape, so thus remedies the situation by wrapping tape around her thighs, before she realizes she should wear toasters for shoes.

And her stage presence? It's like a bunch of retards decided to set themselves on fire and then dance. It's uncomfortable to watch and eventually you just want to either kill yourself because of the pain your retinas were just subjected too, or vomit uncontrollably.

And that my friends is why hipsters love her so much; because she like all of them tries way too hard.

Her music is mediocre at best; substance-less dance music full of such moving, literary lyrics like "Oh you can't see my poker face". No shit Gag-me, I highly doubt you play poker, unless of course by poker you mean sticking your finger into an electrical socket while soaking wet.

Thus, to compensate for the lack of her musical prowess she feels like she should dress like the love child of Wesley Willis and a glow in the dark cheetah.


And again, that is why hipsters love her. Since a lot of them are devoid of having their own style and thus borrow mindlessly from other hipsters (who all seem to subscribe to the notion of the more you look like a grandma, the more awesome you are) and other pools of fashion, it's no surprise that they embrace Gag-me as a cultural hero; a champion for their cause of attempting to be understood and accepted for their uniqueness in this mainstream world!

It's a fine line between being weird and eccentric and being a douchenozzle who does things for the sake of attention (because otherwise they suck and would just drift into oblivion.) Remember Marilyn Manson? Yeah, Gag-me is the current incarnation of him; acting and dressing weird to make up for the abysmal shit they create that they call music. I love Salvador Dali; that man was the definition of weird.

Gag-me is the opposite. She just sucks. I dread her red-carpet appearances because every news outlet feels the need to cover what Gag-me wore; a stunning Vera Wang dress ran through a wood-chipper tied together by photos of Taiwanese school children!

Everything about her is the embodiment of 90% of hipster culture.

Sucky, trying too hard, and being a mindless clown of what's considered "cool".

It's a terrifying new world for hipsters.

New Jackoff Material!

(Thanks to The Gorsk for linking me to this delicious piece of new music. Because I am a fucking imbecile who can't browse the web.)






http://www.circasurvive.com/
(New song is under the picture that makes me feel like I'm high on acid)

Circa Survive has been consistently putting out awesome music. Let me rephrase that.

Circa Survive has been making me fucking cum for the last few years. Everything about them ensures that when I listen to them, I have to change my underwear soon after. It's just that good. It's such a breath of fresh air for the scene, seeing as they are devoid of breakdowns, synths, crabbing it up, and attempting to write shitty music and pass it off as "post hardcore".

Anthony Greens' voice, is like, duh orgasmic. But the music is amazing too. At times they come off as ambient, very relaxing music to knit too, trip out on DXM while sitting in a dark room organize your Kenny G albums too, and enjoy not having your ears bleed because they, unlike other bands in the scene, write GOOD music.

On Letting Go and Juturna are two amazing albums, and despite some idiotic kids who clamor like

"OMG ANTHONY U SHLD BE IN SAOSIN STILL, LOL YR SCREAM IS PRETTY KEWL"

Circa still manages to rule regardless. This new song doesn't disappoint. Circa has always managed to bring a weird group of fans together; I remember John Deere wearing white trash ass motherfuckers from Joliet sputtering out between chewing tobacco "DAMN MAN, THAT ANTHONY GREEN SOUNDS LIEK A QUEER, BUT FUCK HE'S GOOD".

Damn right he's good. And you don't even have to wear gaudy ass neon or whatever the fuck is trendy in the scene to like it.

Although I do see alot of American Apparel cardigan wearing buttthumbers liking Circa. But it's cool brahs.


Coupled with news that Circa is going on tour with Coheed.. Boners. Which brings me to my next point.

I realize Circa and Coheed aren't big in the scene anymore, but who gives a shit? They used to be pretty awesome. For all the new shit that Coheed puts out, and for every song Claudio sings where he sound less and less like the love child of Geddy Lee and a sixteen year old girl and more and more like a pack a day smoker who had sex with a bulldog who is somehow fitted with voicebox technology, you still cant erase the fact that they made The Second Stage Turbine Blade.

Remember that album? Yeah you do. It was cool as balls guys. And even so, there are still legions of pre-pubescent teenagers who go to Coheed shows who sing along to classic songs such as "The Suffering" and... wait, fuck no that song sucks.

Regardless, Coheed still manages to draw a decent crows of old material loving hipsters



I guarantee the show will feature a million shrieks from fuckers saying "OMG ANTHONY OMG CLAUDIO BABIES PLZ?!" And most of those dudes are... dudes.

Appreciating: At The Drive-In

Dedicating a blog post to a defunct band whose members have gone their seperate ways with no upcoming reunion in sight? Yeah, because I've always wanted to High Fidelity the shit out of them, by ranking five of my favorite ATDI songs. I know, I know, on the surface this doesn't coincide with scenester/hipster protocol, but look closer and it really does. I'm embracing a highly influential band who doesn't make music anymore; there is no chance for new material (unless it was unreleased) so as such it helps increase my pretentious level.

Plus you can't buy their shit on vinyl, so it makes them even more obscure and rare or ironic or whatever.

Suck on the tip of my scene-ween bitches. Here we go

(These are all of MY favorite ATDI songs. Feel free to comment on it, I encourage lively discussion)

1. "Star Slight" (from Acrobatic Tenement)

- Measuring in at a little over a minute long, this song is a perfect flurry of awesomeness, ejaculatory excellence and sexual... glory.
In all honesty, it is my favorite song. From Jim Wards' opening vocals (Sailing all alone) to the rapid vocal delivery of Cedric Bixler-Zavala, to the music, just perfect frenzy of music, this song just.. does something to me. In my pants. In a good way too, not like the "creepy uncle wants you to sit on his lap so he can rub your head" way.

The song is structured so unusual; it jumps right into the lyrics and music, a frenzied combination that is sustained over the 1:18 that the track runs for. It glides along, carried by Jim Wards' backing vocals and Bixler-Zavalas high-pitched croon. It slows down at times for the chorus (if you could call it that) of "You know your insides true..."

My all time favorite ATDI song which was unfortunately butchered covered by some shit band named The Impossibles. It's a horrible rendition, so don't even waste your time Youtubing it.


2.Quarantined" (from Relationship of Command)

Relationship of Command is ATDIs' magnum opus; considered by many to be their best album. I am in total agreement, even though I do love a lot of their old stuff. Relationship of Command captured a lot of the raw aggression that the band wished to incorporate from their live shows; an aggression that they felt previous albums and EP's were lacking.

Overlooked by many people due to "One Armed Scissor", this song is epic in it's structure. Starting with the sound of rain and thunder and soon accompanied by the brooding bassline played by Paul Hinojos, the song slowly builds until it's teetering on the brink of being unleashed in the form of calculated musical chaos. The music all drops and the haunting riff (played by Omar Rodriguez-Lopez) soon is the only sound heard, before the song explodes into a juggernaut of boner-inducing symphonic brilliance. The music is very raw yet polished and Cedric's vocals are remarkably relaxed, especially given the nature of the music.

The screams from Omar and Jim (Have trigger will travel!) blend in perfectly with the song, and the lyrics. Ah, the lyrics.

Since many of us don't routinely read dictionaries and maybe a little out of the loop given Cedric's extensive vocabulary, interpretation becomes hazy. Cedric has said the song is about immigrants moving to the U.S. and being treated like shit. But you know what makes this song even better?

If you listen to it and imagine it being about zombies. Zombies fucking rule.

3. "Chanbara" from In/Casino/Out

In/Casino/Out was crafted primarily out of ATDI's desire to emulate their ridiculous live shows and capture their performances on tape. It used very little over-dubs and was actually recorded live. It shows, as the album contains many, many, great songs. This song, Chanbara, is my favorite on the album. It has all the hallmarks of an ATDI song; the post-hardcore aspects reminscent of Drive Like Jehu and Fugazi, the adrenaline and passion that those old post-hardcore (not the new fucking "scream, sing, breakdown" format of these new post-hardcore bands) managed to somehow record and capture on tape, crafted into beautiful dissonance and chaos, while still having a sense of melody.

This song is no different. The chorus is shouted in a rapid-fire delivery weaving entirely different words together, yet still sounding legitimate and not trite. Added with the breakdown in which Cedric sexily pants and moans his "Uh huhs" and this song is just... weird. But undoubtedly awesome.

4. One Armed Scissor from Relationship of Command.

Seriously, does it need an explanation? I remember watching this back when MTV showed music videos late at night. Being an insomniac has it's benefits I guess.

5. Give It A Name from El Gran Orgo

This song is weird, even for ATDI standards. It plays like an actual.. pop song. It plays like a pop-punk song, with the snare-driven backbeat, and even the guitars have a distinct pop-punky tone to them. Not too much frentic music masturbation thats' typical of ATDI songs. And the best part of the song is the chorus which is so melodic and sing-songey. It's kind of weird to imagine that ATDI wrote this song.

END, LOL.

CONSEXTION

This is a blog for you to love, detest, hate, cry over, etc. Whatever you want to do. It is going to be a music-orientated blog, but I will also skew popular hipster and scenester culture. Time to examine these groups under a microscope.

And make alot of penis jokes.